THE BULLDOG DIGEST
ISSUE
289
- November 2, 2022
colgate
wrote:
↑
Wed 2022-09-28 18:01
why did you impulsively buy a one way plane ticket to japan???
colgate
wrote:
↑
Wed 2022-09-28 18:01
but colgate, what about the 20 lays???
These are actually two ways to ask the same question.
If I didn't buy this ticket, I would not be still planning on going to Japan right now. It would be a "I'll go there eventually" thing.
And indeed, I have applied to a Japanese language school (for the student visa). I was even told that I'll have a 100% chance of being accepted thanks to
@Toast
. But that would begin in April 2023. It's still Autumn 2022.
I'm going to deep dive into this below, but with the reduced drive I had with dating, and knowing the impending winter dry spell, I had to make a decision regarding how I was going to spend my time.
I had pitched a half-serious offer to
@Mimbe393939
to meet up in Japan next spring for a month and "have fun", which ended up spiraling into him plowing Japanese study and me realizing for years I've been continually tying up and suffocating the little
shiba-inu
that is my desire to move to Japan.
That is, I had been trying to come up with every excuse as to why I should not move there.
weasel colgate wrote:
well the work culture sucks in Japan.
Okay, but there are other ways to make money than sit in an office.
weasel colgate wrote:
You'll never be accepted as a Japanese person.
Well you're hardly even an American person, you already had a bizarre hyper-religious upbringing by a mostly-single mom and then ejected and dove headfirst straight into Internet culture.
Sure, your outward appearance might fit in...california and seattle...but do you really want to live there???
So with regards to American culture, you're still unaware of the movies, music, and lifestyle most Americans live, and you don't even actually care that much. You'd have to do similar amounts of work trying to catch up with normal people in America.
How about you stop trying to superimpose the experience of random whiny weenies on YouTube complaining.
You spend more time obsessing about Japan to the point that it's been embedded into your life, so why are you supplicating yourself to the theoretical opinions of some people who have done far less than you have in your life and value lame things like "just wanting to be accepted and fitting in".
weasel colgate wrote:
You need to improve your dating skills in America because it's the "hardest place" and you need to know you didn't just escape America because it was "too hard"
I see my first year of dating as largely "intel-gathering" of the somewhat unique outlier position I was in starting off (which I was basically completely unaware of).
I didn't realize the issues I had up front with dating were even issues and "this process will force you to strip down and confront your issues" as GLL (rip) says.
I think this was more applicable to when I first joined the forums as a total virgin. It's impossible to say and pointless to discuss what the trajectory would have been had I gone to Japan at any point before 2 weeks from now.
But now I've gotten some crazy (for me) experiences and while I'm certainly not "good at dating", my main drive to continue in America has mostly gone.
Up until a few months ago, basically no matter "how hard it got", I was still insecure about "well I'm a complete virgin at age 25", so no matter what I was faced with, I just plowed through.
However, once I finally had sex with girls through both night cold approach and online, that insecurity was pretty much gone.
And the
big titty chick
story took a pretty big hit on my morale. I had essentially tried to supplicate and gf-mode a chick who wasn't even attractive, through a projection of someone who wasn't even myself, and it ended up backfiring.
Combined with generally having to "drop my standards" while simultaneously being faced with said girls who are giving me a hard time (albeit many of my date issues are me and not the girl), I had to rethink what I was doing. I'm sure my "hatred for what I was doing" was also manifesting itself on dates.
I had lived the first 25 years of my life sexless, so I ended reverting back into that state. It's not that I liked it but it's basically "negative complacency", where you're unhappy with your situation but you are so used to being dissatisfied and out of touch with yourself that you end up staying in that zone for longer than you should be (never).
...
Whereas I'm still enamored by Japan and constantly talk about and look at pictures and videos of Japanese girls, and frankly mostly unenthused and even disgusted with girls around me.
We could "negative forward project" this into "well what if you go to Japan and then have a bunch of negative experiences with Japanese girls and then feel the same way about all girls".
SHUT UP! SHUT UP! SHUT UP! This is the exact kind of toxic "logical" thinking that isn't helpful. Should I even glorify this with an answer????
Okay, fine.
1. even if i have negative experiences GIRLS IN JAPAN ARE STILL HOT!!! I did hundreds and hundreds of approaches in California with my lowest stats ever and could persevere because at the end of the day, the girls are my type.
2. IT DOESN'T MATTER IF THIS BECOMES TRUE. let's actually take action and see what happens first. TAKE THE PLUNGE. is the alternative any better? not talking to japanese girls??? what the fuck else are you going to do??? and you still have years of self-improvement to go, so even if you get totally abysmal results now, those won't be permanent. it'll only push you to do more self-improvement anyway. and then even if the self-improvement "doesn't work" WHAT OTHER FUCKING ALTERNATIVE DO YOU HAVE???? THE ALTERNATIVE IS TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Also the rules to dating in Japan are actually different in many aspects anyway so by "getting good in America" ahead of time, you would still have a lot to learn and a lot to recalibrate anyway.
...
I had also realized Japan isn't actually a huge SMV boost for me anyway. Some of us from the forums had been running experimental bumble profiles in Tokyo and Seoul. Whereas they were getting 30-100 matches a day at times, I was getting 0-3 even with my current pictures (which matches my American results).
So I had essentially been forcing myself to stay in America over a completely incorrect assumption that "Japan would be easy mode therefore I would not have to undergo as much self-improvement"
weasel colgate wrote:
Your passport is expired, and it's still in process for renewing. You don't want to risk not having your passport before buying. It's best to wait until you have your passport.
if you wanna raw dog life, you gotta WORK LIKE A DOG
I had invited my 6'5" plate over around 4 weeks ago.
She brought me shot glasses and coconut rum and we enjoyed some in my bed.
Then we watched some BETplus (
BROWN
entertainment television..........), had extremely long foreplay.
Finally she's not so sensitive that I can actually put my finger in her without her squirming away.
This time I felt more determined to properly bang her.
I stuck it in, RAW DOG! I grabbed and slapped her ass a few times.
I thought everything might be ok this time.
But I still came within less than a minute.
I was so determined to stay hard and keep going that I didn't pull out. I was like FUCK IT!!!!
But unfortunately I went limp. Also I just busted inside. lol ok
I went to make out with her, but she started pursing her lips shut
are you okay
yeah i'm fine
did you....
nah, you're good
WTF I KEEP DOING THE SAME THING where I lie in the moment because I'm too scared to accept the potential negative consequences of just being like "yeah I came inside" and "screwing up the vibe".
I had talked about this here, even
colgate
wrote:
↑
Wed 2022-09-28 18:01
And in the moment, rather than doing something effective, I wanted to “avoid the potential pain of rejection”.
So I answered in the way that was congruent with "avoiding pain" over TAKING THE PLUNGE. I didn’t TAKE THE PLUNGE here.
What would have been effective would have been being far more direct and blatant.
So obviously, I cerebrally know this is ineffective, but in-the-moment, my visceral reaction is still to give some copout answer, and it's because my tolerance to negative emotions is shockingly low. More on that later.
I chilled out for a minute and then I attempted to put it in again, but I couldn't get hard. However, I was glad she wasn't hyper sensitive to my finger so I started to just fingerbang her.
She was moaning and squealing as I kept varying the rhythm and intensity.
Eventually she convulsed her body tight, so I'll take that as the first time I actually made her come. lol!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! She's been (way too good) at making me come so it's only fair.
I knew I came inside but I basically blocked out the negative emotions and whatever I thought the repercussions might be and we enjoyed the rest of the night watching BETplus and cuddling and then falling asleep.
We woke up the next morning and had some more foreplay, but strangely I didn't feel like escalating it up to sex.
I took her out to brunch with some live acoustic guitar singer music and then saw her off.
...
Two days later I randomly thought about this again. Now in the comfort of my own room and being alone, I ended up realizing that there's a definite nonzero chance that I could have gotten her pregnant.
AND IT WASN'T EVEN AFTER A 6 HOUR MARATHON AAAAAAAAAAAAAA
For the next few hours, I did the most frenetic cursory internet research on conception, ovulation, emergency contraceptives blah blah blah. I hypothesized many scenarios and calculations, blah blah blah.
Maybe 6-7 hours later, I called my plate finally to tell her the situation. I cashapped her for plan B and told her to take 2 pills due to her size.
She questioned me on why I didn't tell her that I came inside in the moment, and why I wasn't worried all the other times. I told her that I actually did pull out all the other times, but this time I didn't, and for whatever reason I only started thinking about it a few days later.
Also, turns out that the night she came, she had ovulation cramps. Which means coming inside has a 35% chance of conception..............
NOW WE'RE PLAYING RUSSIAN ROULETTE
I had to get over various thoughts including
- not being okay with having a discussion about abortion. if a girl wants to abort that's fine, but i would feel fucked up trying to talk to a girl who wants a kid about potentially getting an abortion. also it feels like i'm admitting i'm a biological failure that i can't support a kid right now. eventually i had to get over my ego and accept that this would be a conversation to be had because clearly neither of us are actually ready to raise a child
- i can handle this shit even if she does carry the child to birth!!! my ancestors were fighting bengal tigers impregnating all the brown village ladies with 25 kids and i'm over here whining about potentially getting one girl pregnant??? i can make money!!! i'll fuckin handle it!!! and my child will be some hard mf amazon warrior thanks to my brain and her height and athletics. and then my role will be training my son to become the ruler of the world!!!
- oh fuck wait can i even go to japan now uhhh...well FUCK IT she will raise the kid and then in 4-7 years i'll bring them over to japan after i MONEYMAXX and then he'll just
pummel
japan
blah blah blah, anyway the thing that finally alleviated the anxiety was the realization that whatever happened, happened, and whatever could have been done to prevent it after the fact was done.
It was pointless trying to think of every possible scenario that could happen and what to do in those situations. At this point we just have to wait 2-3 more weeks for when her period is supposed to come, and then go from there. The outcome is already predetermined and in motion in this case, and all that can be done is wait for the outcome to reveal itself.
So I was able to stop worrying, and moved on with my life.
...
I think conceptually and for longer-term decisions, clearly I'm one to take risks that open doors to my dreams. Like it's obvious that I know chasing "safety" and "avoiding pain and risk" results in mediocrity and becoming stagnant.
I literally made an entire post about that
But in the moment, I default to safety-chasing, weaseling behaviors.
Moving cities on a whim? I'm already there.
Taking steroids? Yep, already shooting myself.
Spending $10k on eye surgery? Ready for the lasers in my eyes, doc.
But pin me with a hard-hitting question I cannot be prepared for in real life? uhhh....uh.........here's the answer i perceive as giving me the least potential immediate blowback regardless of whether it's effective
Even things as simple as working out in the gym, sometimes I will not go to failure or finish the workout because I'm like...well...I don't want to...it might be too much pain...I did enough of a workout anyway
This is the type of behaviors girls see. I can have so many accolades of accomplishments and planned risky decisions that ended up benefitting me, but my visceral behavior in the moment has still not changed. My behavior in the moment is one of someone who has never actually seen the realities of life. Overly positive and spazzy on one end, and mousy and weasely when faced with conflict.
This really bites me in the ass with my ability to commit to most things. If the process becomes too "annoying" or "painful" in the moment, it eats away at even my cerebral desire to accomplish that goal and then I start coming up with reasons why I don't need to accomplish that goal and eventually, fall out.
...
wait, you just rinsed the top windows?
yeah, i mean the pole is all fucked and i couldn't brush it properly and...
dude, you still have to finish the job. ugh i'll just wash these ones and show you
Troy had offered me to be a worker for his new door-to-door window washing business so he could make more sales.
I didn't think much of it and I just thought I was helping a bro out, and he was paying me anyway so I went along with him.
Then we had a job to go to and now he was going to be able to test how many sales he could make while I washed windows.
At the time, the extension pole had a problem where it wouldn't lock when it was extended.
Most of the windows were ground level though, and I had gotten 2 of the roof windows by climbing onto the roof, so it wasn't a huge deal for the most part.
However, there were four other windows which were on the second floor and no roof in front of them to climb on. So those would require the extension pole.
Knowing that the pole was "supposedly fucked", and this being my first time washing windows ever as well, I was able to somewhat try to balance the extension pole a little bit, but I didn't bother trying to brush the windows, and just rinsed them.
Plus, it was already almost dark because I had spent too much time playing with and detangling the hose repeatedly. And this was just a test run anyway, we don't need to take it that seriously.
Troy came back when I was done and I had told him that I didn't brush some of the windows.
Additionally, he inspected some of the windows and saw me wash a couple, and had some comments
did you even wash this window?
did you even put soap on the brush???
you need to actually scrub the window...
Eventually he took the brush and was able to get those top windows I "couldn't get".
Apparently I "didn't even try".
...
Troy tells an anecdote of his military days.
The drill sergeant had ordered someone to do 10 more pullups during an intensive workout.
i'm trying my best sir...
I DON'T WANT YOU TO TRY YOUR BEST, I WANT YOU TO TRY
MY
BEST!!!!!!!
Nobody cares if you tried. Did you accomplish the task?
That first window washing session made me realize so clearly the laziness I have and how low my own standards are for "sufficient effort".
I've perceived myself to be living at the lowest rung of society my whole life, and even being
average
is an "accomplishment". So even if I get negative outcomes, I just rationalize it as "well that's normal anyway", and I don't allow myself to feel the negative emotions entailed with failure.
I've lived my life in general in such a way where I can avoid competition and putting high amounts of effort, and if I am forced to, try to find loopholes and "prematurely optimize" my way out of a situation.
This avoidant and weasel behavior has embedded itself at a subconscious level and I wasn't even cognizant of it until this exact moment.
Like I had hints of this avoidant vibe I had with girls, but I didn't realize how deep it's permeated every aspect of my life.
To sum up my vibe, it's hyperactive and spazzy when I'm feeling good, and avoidant and vague when I'm not feeling it. In both regards, I have straight up not "worked enough" and allowed enough negative emotion stimulus to mature my vibe, nor make my visceral reactions to confront potentially negative situations instead of avoid them.
I've noticed how certain successful guys on the forums are able to just put their heads down and execute disciplined hustle until their goal is accomplished, no matter their aptitude, no matter how long it takes.
@Mimbe393939
has worked 4 years in construction.
@Manganiello
builds houses.
@MakingAComeback
did hard labor at 12 years old.
What have I done? Been inside the house on the computer since I was 4 years old, at most worked a ghetto fast food job for 9 months, go through university and find a job in "plan everything out in advance but execute none of it yourself personally because the computer can do it all for you".
Just look at some of the offices in these fields.
There's a fucking
slide
in the Google office.
The meeting room is a
ball pit
in the Facebook office.
I'm
incredibly
fortunate that I happen to be alive in the one era of society where intellectualizing is somehow valued. If this were any other era, I would have been dead by Bengal tiger mauling at age 8.
I don't want to make this about me "blaming society" blah blah, because really, I would have not even been alive if this were any other time. I'm grateful to even be alive right now and in a position where I can "hit the reset button on my life" and recreate the situations and inputs needed for me to be the man I need to be to get out of purgatory.
But just because I can make money from sitting at a desk hypothesizing, doesn't mean that's what girls actually find attractive. They can read and feel my softness. They know I haven't mentally matured past the age of 7. I've not allowed myself to grow because I either avoided or rationalized myself out of letting the requisite negative emotions affect me and sharpen the inner masculinity waiting to be unsheathed.
I made the jump to quit my job. Put in the two-weeks notice. I mean I would have had to do it anyway considering I'm moving to Japan.
...
This comes back to the 20 lays goal. I had a rough start after the 3 lay week and managed to plate a girl and get a couple handjobs and plenty of makeouts. But past that I repeatedly "felt" like I was going backwards and not making any progress.
So I started rationalizing "well, even though I know if I hustle Tinder for a week, I can get a date, the effort-to-date ratio is way too high, and I still have more self-improvement to do before I can get more bang for my buck (lol)"
And unlike in my daygame cold approach days, I didn't even have the insecurity of "being a total virgin" to push me out of it.
Combined with busting way too quickly with my plate repeatedly, and the experiences I was having with that big titty chick, I kept falling out further and further as my visceral motivations to continue ate away. I would skip out days of hustling on Tinder. I'd skip out on the gym. I'd skip out on roids.
I made
a post
about my awareness of digital addiction. I ended up further prolonging my slump because I knew how to be the "normal, cool social guy" on the Internet.
For socializing, there's chats and Twitter.
For exploring the world there's Google Maps and watching YouTube videos about other countries.
For thinking and figuring out things, there's spamming chats, and the Internet has advice on everything anyway and it's all correct of course.
For "sex", I can just browse porn and hentai.
And of course it's not the same. But imagine some village child eating bugs and dirt cakes his whole life. You give him a steak and he fucking loves it. And then he's even made aware that there are people who can just eat steak everyday. But you leave. If the negative impetus of eating bugs and dirt cakes is not high enough to push him out of his village, he'll be stuck doing that his whole life.
That's essentially how I have used the Internet to fill certain human needs I have since I was a child, in lieu of being able to fill them with real people. It's not the real thing, but I've lived my life eating bugs and dirt cakes for 25 years, so even presented with steak, I fell back into using the Internet to fill my needs of socializing, exploration, and sex.
I had further justified this by saying the "real version" wasn't even "worth it".
What's the point of continuing here? I just see fat girls everywhere and they aren't even feminine. And people here don't even like the things I like. I don't even care about the reward anymore.
These are the kinds of rationalizations you make that are your make or break moments. Motivation can only take you so far, but do you have the discipline to stubbornly continue anyway?
I didn't.
And previously I had tried to blame my reduced roid dosage resulting in low testosterone, but after talking with Troy about it, I hadn't been off of the steroids long enough for the demotivation effects to kick in. And I did take some shots here and there. So ultimately, that was just an excuse.
What I now see is that I have comfort in the online world. I have a safe space on the Internet.
There have been various times in my life where I wholly rejected my Internet presence (one of them being around the time I just joined the forums). Those are the times I have progressed the most in my life.
I bounced off the Internet in 2016 to make more real life friends in college and study Japanese.
I bounced off the Internet in 2018 to finish my school studies and land a job.
I bounced off the Internet in 2021 to figure out why I was still a virgin at age 25.
Every time, I'll go back to the Internet communities and "check in" with everyone. And in my "worst times" it's a safety net.
The safety net that prevents me from feeling
real discontentment
that
@Manganiello
has outlined here
.
I prevent myself from feeling enough negative emotions and disgust with myself to push me out of the zone of low self-esteem and mediocrity I've lived most of my life in.
This is like a nicotine addiction but even more deadly.
This is the type of thing that will make or break me. This satisfaction with being an "Internet cool guy" will keep me stuck in my room, friendless, muscleless, and sexless.
...
I've known I'm missing what I will call the true "element of rough masculinity" for a while now.
But now I know what fills it, and the experience so many of us techbro nerds and schoolfags miss out on.
This explanation will be a bit obtuse for now, but it's constant negative stimulus from not being up to a high standard that's governed by others, under low-grade physical duress. And the ways to fill that need are mastery in one or more of the following:
- team sports, where the
team
element is strong (football, basketball, soccer)
- hard labor, especially around other men (construction, farming)
- military bootcamp
- combat sports, and actually sparring with other men (boxing, jiu jitsu, muay thai)
Your own personal standards will be surprisingly low. Even if you say you want to hit the stars, deeply you'll be content with climbing the staircase.
But the experience of
someone else
setting a standard, and not allowing you to get away with shit until you accomplish work up to that standard is an element of masculinity I've missed in my life. We can call it "discipline".
It's commonly said that discipline, not motivation, is what separates those who are successful and those who are not.
And the experience of being in said environment where you are forced to accomplish grueling work at a high standard translates
directly
to accomplishing your own goals. Because you can set the goal, and you know there's no "rationalizing yourself out of the goal". There's either you did the goal, or you didn't.
The consequences for not doing a goal set by others are steep, and deeply negative. Social shame, physical shame, loss of the job, being kicked out. This turns into a visceral reaction regarding failure in your own goals.
The intellectual energy you would use to rationalize yourself out of the goal is now used to
problem-solve
things stopping you from achieving your dreams. And if all else fails, you realize sometimes you need to just keep pushing and you need more effort.
It's raining but you still have to do the window washing job? Okay, put on a leather jacket and sunglasses so you don't get wet and water doesn't constantly get in your eyes.
The window you have to wash is really snugly tucked away with no roof access? Guess you have to extend the pole all the way, brace yourself to lift it off the ground and onto the window, and maintain extra control while washing the window.
The hoses keep getting tangled together, costing you minutes on the job? Okay, before moving the hoses and buckets, hold the hoses together and make sure the hoses won't get trapped onto random objects instead of lazily dragging everything around.
...
My passport had finally arrived the previous night, after a 7 week waiting period.
Troy said we had some pretty easy window washing jobs today.
I try to order some Big Macs in the drive-thru at 8:00am, but they don't serve lunch until noon.
u already orderin big macs man?
well you know, i gotta stock up for work
I got to work washing the windows at the first house and the guy gives us cokes.
The second house was a ranch house with all first-floor windows. The sweet old lady keeps coming out to tell me how I'm doing such a great job and it looks great and hands me a $20 tip.
Troy and I go to eat lunch at a McDonald's. Some random guy next to us overhears us talking about window washing and he brings up how his son made $40,000 over a summer doing door to door landscaping, and gives us some tips.
We wash the windows on a third house and the Mexican lady says the job was done so well that she wants us to wash the windows on her restaurant too.
This is day one of being a normal human being. I'm not a fucking Internet alien anymore. This is what life should be. You do good honest work, and people like it. No intellectualizing, no games, no loopholes. This is how life should be.
Oh, and that night, your 6'5" girl tells you that she ended up getting her period. A week late, nonetheless.
![:)](data:image/svg+xml,<svg xmlns="http://www.w3.org/2000/svg" width="32" height="32"><rect fill-opacity="0"/></svg> "Smile"){kind=small}
