Sun 2022-03-06 17:34
Daygame
Saturday 3/5 : 2#/35 over 7 hours. (usually this amount would take me 2-3 hours)
I did like only 15 approaches over 2-3 hours because I felt like I had some toxic aura emanating out of my presence, due to my recent struggles with self-worth and self-esteem. Spent more time sitting around writing some introspective shit again. I actually felt like I teleported back into August, when I couldn't approach any of the cute girls I saw walking around me.
Forced myself to do 5 more approaches. Each time I finished an approach, I felt a short rush, followed by a crash back into the deep dark hole I've been in. I wanted to go home.
I backtracked to my old strategies from when I was new to approach. Go up to 10 girls, and then you can go home.
So I started. I went up to 2 girls, and wanted to go home. Just told myself over and over "no, fuck this" and kept going. Random mix of mostly instant deflections and some conversation. But I noticed I was caring less and less about my self-worth issues and it felt like a fast-forwarded version of my progress in August.
Eventually I had a bunch of realizations while I was approaching and getting closer to 10, and then I didn't want to stop.
Next approach, I get some cute Chinese girl sitting down with lavender pants. We actually have a good conversation.
I'm scared you're going to kidnap me and take my kidney...
Yes. I was going to take you out to bubble tea, then take you to my car, then pull out my knife collection, and harvest your kidneys and make thousands of dollars. That's my job.
Anyway she didn't want to instadate, so I just grabbed her contact. No idea if it'll go anywhere, but I was probably 1#/30 at that point. This would have been a pretty normal occurrence/interaction for me on nearly any other day, but I truly felt like I was back at 100-200 lifetime approaches colgate.
Did 4-5 more approaches after that and called it.
Realizations about self-worth, looks, and approach/dating
So it's pretty plainly obvious to me that the current version of me is not what girls want. There are very rare and sporadic ones here and there who will at least meet up and maybe come back home with me and fool around, but it takes me an insane amount of volume to find them.
I've had several blackpill moments over the past 6 months, and usually decided to just ignore them and persist anyway. But I've ignored them for long enough.
Usually it was observing other guys have success with cold approach way sooner than I and other guys did. I did draw certain conclusions about that, such as here: viewtopic.php?p=23887#p23887
But I think it's quite foolish and unproductive to state that "oh you just have a huge negative wave", because it absolves responsibility from myself to improve.
One factor I kept trying to ignore since I've started is my looks. I'm a short Indian. This sounds like a level zero bullshit excuse to stop, but this is something I'm saying after 6 months of hustling so far. Combined with having only an average level of fitness also not feeling generally masculine, it's a pretty deadly combo.
You can say this is just a limiting belief, but I've had some moments that have highlighted to me otherwise. And you guys should know by now I'm not the type of person who just makes excuses so he can avoid doing work.
viewtopic.php?p=27178#p27178 In this story with the time I madeout with a pornstar, I omitted a part of it out of trying to push it under the rug and not ruin the vibe of the post. I'll go into detail about that now.
When Rick messaged our chat about this chick, I was the first and only guy to spring onto the opportunity to get a "free bang" or something. As I said, I literally ran to his hotel room, only to not find them, and then happened to find them waiting in line. Despite me being right there and getting a free makeout, she refused to go any further with me (although I did act quite passively, so maybe I didn't try hard enough). Then Rick just showed her a picture of the other guys in the group, and she picked some other guy. At that moment, I was just like, well I guess that's how it goes.
I've mentioned my occasional daygame wing K in my log here. He does far fewer approaches than I do, yet gets around the same or equal contacts as me, and more of those contacts actually respond to him. I don't think looks matter as much for instadates, as I've gotten mostly the same as he does. I winged him on a few of his interactions and they were honestly mostly the same as mine were, if anything slightly more subdued (there's no need to be like omg!!! im so alpha!!!, i'm aware of that). But he's a tall Asian-American, and he's even admitted that a lot of the Chinese girls here have a fetish for Americanized Asian men.
But what really cemented this is looking back on my Japanese approaches. Out of maybe 6-7 total Japanese approaches lifetime, I've gotten 3 of the girls to meet up for dates (1/4 here in California). And I think on nearly every Japanese approach, the girl was initially unreceptive, but I recognized her accent when she tries to leave with "I donto supiiku ingurisshu" and I switch languages, and go on to having a 5+ minute conversation and exchange. It's like out of nowhere, 20lbs of lean muscle just plumped on my body and suddenly the girl is interested. Compare that to 0/500+ for other Asian girls, and 1/3-4 for black girls (there aren't that many here).
What's my point here? I'm saying that I got a taste of what it'd be like for a girl to see inherent value in me approaching her, essentially with knowing her native language in a country she didn't expect anyone to know it in. And I had a lot of thinking about "what value am I even providing to these other girls? why should they even meet up with me again?"
I think up front is looks. But without that, what is there? There's plenty more I can improve regarding my approach interactions and I've talked about them before. But it essentially feels like I'm just aggressively marketing a product that isn't even good in the end. It's like how Apple hardly needs to advertise the newest iPhone, because they know people are going to buy it because they know the product is good. What am I offering to girls?
The above discussion sounds like purely blackpill. But it actually isn't, because I was able to come up with the following conclusions as I was approaching:
1. You haven't even gotten close to maxing out your looks and strength potential. You're not allowed to complain about your looks until you have literally hit top 1-5 percentile for your own body. And likely the above worries will go away once you do. You still have a lot of work to do.
2. There are still girls that will meet up with you if you keep approaching in your current state. Are you going to choose 0.1% or clean 0%? Do you have any better ideas for meeting girls? Exactly.
3. One day you'll be jacked and also have more experience and this won't feel so brutal and hopeless. but in the meanwhile you can deal with what you have. if you just wait until you feel "worth it" and you finally start at that point, you'll probably feel even more disappointed. you certainly didn't have these self-worth and self-esteem issues when you started approaching, they've only come since then. so you're going to just repeat the same cycle if you stop, because you'll get "back into approach" with a more baseline sense of self-worth and self-esteem, only to realize that the overwhelming majority of approaches are rejection, even if you're good, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about that.
The conclusion here is that in the meanwhile, I can override my own self-worth issues and continue anyway. Just fake it until you make it.
--
I was destined to die
how can I survive when I was encouraged to chase safety?
if I chase safety and complacency, I reproduce another worthless organism
an organism who exists for the sake of existing
an organism who reproduces for the sake of reproducing
how can I survive if I'm put in a novel situation
my wiring wants me to chase highs and validation
my wiring wants me to chase comfort
given the choice of life or death
I was destined to die
when life becomes uncomfortable
through pain we achieve greatness
through comfort we achieve sadness
through danger we achieve the prize
through safety we meet our demise
you were destined to die
if you chose satisfaction
you want to live?
then choose dedication
Saturday 3/5 : 2#/35 over 7 hours. (usually this amount would take me 2-3 hours)
I did like only 15 approaches over 2-3 hours because I felt like I had some toxic aura emanating out of my presence, due to my recent struggles with self-worth and self-esteem. Spent more time sitting around writing some introspective shit again. I actually felt like I teleported back into August, when I couldn't approach any of the cute girls I saw walking around me.
Forced myself to do 5 more approaches. Each time I finished an approach, I felt a short rush, followed by a crash back into the deep dark hole I've been in. I wanted to go home.
I backtracked to my old strategies from when I was new to approach. Go up to 10 girls, and then you can go home.
So I started. I went up to 2 girls, and wanted to go home. Just told myself over and over "no, fuck this" and kept going. Random mix of mostly instant deflections and some conversation. But I noticed I was caring less and less about my self-worth issues and it felt like a fast-forwarded version of my progress in August.
Eventually I had a bunch of realizations while I was approaching and getting closer to 10, and then I didn't want to stop.
Next approach, I get some cute Chinese girl sitting down with lavender pants. We actually have a good conversation.
I'm scared you're going to kidnap me and take my kidney...
Yes. I was going to take you out to bubble tea, then take you to my car, then pull out my knife collection, and harvest your kidneys and make thousands of dollars. That's my job.
Anyway she didn't want to instadate, so I just grabbed her contact. No idea if it'll go anywhere, but I was probably 1#/30 at that point. This would have been a pretty normal occurrence/interaction for me on nearly any other day, but I truly felt like I was back at 100-200 lifetime approaches colgate.
Did 4-5 more approaches after that and called it.
Realizations about self-worth, looks, and approach/dating
So it's pretty plainly obvious to me that the current version of me is not what girls want. There are very rare and sporadic ones here and there who will at least meet up and maybe come back home with me and fool around, but it takes me an insane amount of volume to find them.
I've had several blackpill moments over the past 6 months, and usually decided to just ignore them and persist anyway. But I've ignored them for long enough.
Usually it was observing other guys have success with cold approach way sooner than I and other guys did. I did draw certain conclusions about that, such as here: viewtopic.php?p=23887#p23887
But I think it's quite foolish and unproductive to state that "oh you just have a huge negative wave", because it absolves responsibility from myself to improve.
One factor I kept trying to ignore since I've started is my looks. I'm a short Indian. This sounds like a level zero bullshit excuse to stop, but this is something I'm saying after 6 months of hustling so far. Combined with having only an average level of fitness also not feeling generally masculine, it's a pretty deadly combo.
You can say this is just a limiting belief, but I've had some moments that have highlighted to me otherwise. And you guys should know by now I'm not the type of person who just makes excuses so he can avoid doing work.
viewtopic.php?p=27178#p27178 In this story with the time I madeout with a pornstar, I omitted a part of it out of trying to push it under the rug and not ruin the vibe of the post. I'll go into detail about that now.
When Rick messaged our chat about this chick, I was the first and only guy to spring onto the opportunity to get a "free bang" or something. As I said, I literally ran to his hotel room, only to not find them, and then happened to find them waiting in line. Despite me being right there and getting a free makeout, she refused to go any further with me (although I did act quite passively, so maybe I didn't try hard enough). Then Rick just showed her a picture of the other guys in the group, and she picked some other guy. At that moment, I was just like, well I guess that's how it goes.
I've mentioned my occasional daygame wing K in my log here. He does far fewer approaches than I do, yet gets around the same or equal contacts as me, and more of those contacts actually respond to him. I don't think looks matter as much for instadates, as I've gotten mostly the same as he does. I winged him on a few of his interactions and they were honestly mostly the same as mine were, if anything slightly more subdued (there's no need to be like omg!!! im so alpha!!!, i'm aware of that). But he's a tall Asian-American, and he's even admitted that a lot of the Chinese girls here have a fetish for Americanized Asian men.
But what really cemented this is looking back on my Japanese approaches. Out of maybe 6-7 total Japanese approaches lifetime, I've gotten 3 of the girls to meet up for dates (1/4 here in California). And I think on nearly every Japanese approach, the girl was initially unreceptive, but I recognized her accent when she tries to leave with "I donto supiiku ingurisshu" and I switch languages, and go on to having a 5+ minute conversation and exchange. It's like out of nowhere, 20lbs of lean muscle just plumped on my body and suddenly the girl is interested. Compare that to 0/500+ for other Asian girls, and 1/3-4 for black girls (there aren't that many here).
What's my point here? I'm saying that I got a taste of what it'd be like for a girl to see inherent value in me approaching her, essentially with knowing her native language in a country she didn't expect anyone to know it in. And I had a lot of thinking about "what value am I even providing to these other girls? why should they even meet up with me again?"
I think up front is looks. But without that, what is there? There's plenty more I can improve regarding my approach interactions and I've talked about them before. But it essentially feels like I'm just aggressively marketing a product that isn't even good in the end. It's like how Apple hardly needs to advertise the newest iPhone, because they know people are going to buy it because they know the product is good. What am I offering to girls?
The above discussion sounds like purely blackpill. But it actually isn't, because I was able to come up with the following conclusions as I was approaching:
1. You haven't even gotten close to maxing out your looks and strength potential. You're not allowed to complain about your looks until you have literally hit top 1-5 percentile for your own body. And likely the above worries will go away once you do. You still have a lot of work to do.
2. There are still girls that will meet up with you if you keep approaching in your current state. Are you going to choose 0.1% or clean 0%? Do you have any better ideas for meeting girls? Exactly.
3. One day you'll be jacked and also have more experience and this won't feel so brutal and hopeless. but in the meanwhile you can deal with what you have. if you just wait until you feel "worth it" and you finally start at that point, you'll probably feel even more disappointed. you certainly didn't have these self-worth and self-esteem issues when you started approaching, they've only come since then. so you're going to just repeat the same cycle if you stop, because you'll get "back into approach" with a more baseline sense of self-worth and self-esteem, only to realize that the overwhelming majority of approaches are rejection, even if you're good, and there's absolutely nothing you can do about that.
The conclusion here is that in the meanwhile, I can override my own self-worth issues and continue anyway. Just fake it until you make it.
--
I was destined to die
how can I survive when I was encouraged to chase safety?
if I chase safety and complacency, I reproduce another worthless organism
an organism who exists for the sake of existing
an organism who reproduces for the sake of reproducing
how can I survive if I'm put in a novel situation
my wiring wants me to chase highs and validation
my wiring wants me to chase comfort
given the choice of life or death
I was destined to die
when life becomes uncomfortable
through pain we achieve greatness
through comfort we achieve sadness
through danger we achieve the prize
through safety we meet our demise
you were destined to die
if you chose satisfaction
you want to live?
then choose dedication